Guide book for politicians - elementary grade

Here is an easy-to-follow, simple-to-understand guide book for politicians. It is meant for general use, but it has been primarily written to help hapless politicians during the tumultuous period of elections and their aftermath.
Who can use this guide - Any politician who is thick-skinned. Ok, ok, I KNOW that this is a tautology of sorts, but its mandatory to write this on the 1st page of the Guide.

Eligibility criteria - None.
Pre-work required - Not even expected.
Skill level needed - Very basic mathematics. (User should be able to identify 3-digit numbers. If person can answer que like "which number is bigger, 88 or 146 ?" - then he can use this guide effectively.)
Knowledge level needed - should be able to identify whether he is in ruling party or opposition party. That's enough.

Chapter 1 - What to say before elections
20 days before
For ruling party (RP) - We will come back to power. We have served the people for 5 years and they will give us their mandate.
For opposition party (OP) - The people are frustrated with the incompetent government. We will sweep the polls this time.

10 days before
For RP - We do not wish to politicize every little matter. Our fight is ideology-based.
For OP - You will see a miracle in the polls.

3 days before
For RP - Of course, I have no ambition to become Chief Minister. The High Command will decide.
For OP - Of course, I have no ambition to become Chief Minister. But if that is the wish of people....

Chapter 2 - On election day
For RP - Say nothing
For OP- Say nothing

Chapter 3 - On counting day
At 8.30 If you are in Winning Party (WP) - I was always confident of winning. The people have appreciated our work.
If you are in Losing Party (LP) - We will get absolute majority.

At 10.30
WP - (Say anything that will upset the LP. It doesn't matter what you say!)
LP - We will surely get absolute majority. These are only early trends. We are sure to see a change in the actual results.

At noon
WP - We thank the people for their support. It is the victory of democracy.
LP - We will surely get simple majority. I don't know where you have got these number from. I am in constant touch with my sources andmy information is different.

At 2 pm
WP - No, it is not for me to say who will be the Chief Minister. The party high command will decide.
LP - We will surely be the single largest party. There are several independents and also some like-minded parties who will support us.

At 4 pm
WP - (It REALLY does not matter what you say now. People don't care!)
LP - (Hey, what the heck, people don't care what you say either!) But in case you want to hog some footage on TV during the dying minutes of the program, then you can say things like "We will introspect the reasons for this failure." Note - if you are speaking to Hindi channels, then you say Chintan-baithak!

Next day at 10 am
WP - There is no dissidence on our party. The decision about Chief Minister will be unanimous.
LP - Our vote share has increased bu 0.01 % in 3 out of 290 constituencies, and that is a positive sign. We will sit in the opposition.

Next day at 4 pm
WP - I will be going to Delhi tonight. Next day at 4 pm
LP (See below. Caution - for advance level only)

Option 1 - If you have lost - Ruling party adopted vote bank politics. We fought for our ideology.
Option 2 - If all your candidates have lost - No. There was no in-fighting in our party.
Option 3 - If you have lost your deposit - There is a conspiracy. Some Foreign hand is involved in this. I will declare the names at a suitable time.
Option 4 - If all your candidates have lost their deposits - Electronic voting machines are known to go wrong. We will take up the matter with election commission.

I wish the readers will help me in making this Guide Book popular. Please distribute free copies to all politicians. Hope they will find it nice. Unless, the person you are dealing with is Uddhav Thackeray, that is. The least he could have done is learn something from the Late Pramod Mahajan in what he did after the 2004 poll debacle. Long before other BJP bigwigs had accepted defeat, Mahajan candidly accepted not just defeat, but also owned up his share of responsibility as in-charge of the polls by saying it was his failure, and that his India Shining campaign had backfired. What does Uddhav have to say after the resounding defeat in the recent assembly polls? "This is not a defeat for Shiv Sena, and I am not at fault."

Some people insist on not using Guide Books and attending extra classes. What to do? Maybe in 2014.....

Left out in the lurch – why?

Many people would wonder – how come the Left parties fared so miserably after a spectacular showing in 2004. After all they surprised everyone (including themselves, I suspect) in 2004. Who would have imagined the communists to be a part of the ruling alliance in our country?
Many theories would be floated now – the most popular ones being about ditching the Congress on the matter of nuclear deal or about the Singur fracas.
I have a different answer – provided to me in a rather comic manner by none other than Brinda Karat. No – I didn't speak to her – I was watching her interview on NDTV.
After she was done with her predictable statements (this will require introspection, we accept the people's verdict, etc etc etc) she was asked a question by Mukul Kesavan. And this is EXACTLY what she said.
"That was a very interesting question, but I am sorry I couldn't quite follow you. Could you please repeat that question?"
Now – it is quite possible that the phone line was bad and she couldn't hear the question clearly. Fair enough. Then where was the need to say 'that was a very interesting question' ?
Back to my point – Brinda Karat's faux pas symbolizes everything that is wrong with the Communists. They are not listening. They are clueless about the voice of people, unless they pretend to be so (which is worse!)
Some time later Prakash Karat vindicated this by his statement which was in response to the que about their role in the new Lok Sabha. He said – we will argue in favour of alternate policies. We have always done that. Ever since the first general elections in 1952, we have always argued for alternate policies. Even when we were part of the ruling alliance, we still argued in favour of alternate policies.
That is a politically correct way of saying – when everyone is looking one way, we will always look the other way. Immaterial of which one is the appropriate way.
Many years ago, I was reading an article in India Today on the annual politburo meeting of the CPI(M) – mind you, these were still days of Harkishan Singh Surjeet and Jyoti Basu. The article began something like this.
“Every year, the CPI(M) general meeting harbours the hope that some day we shall lead. But as someone has said – some day we shall all be dead.”
They got a chance to jointly lead after 2004 and now they have botched it big time. The communists have to choose, and choose fast between being a part of the mainstream of the country's growth or be counted among those dead.

Elections 2009 - the wait is over

So the wait is over and we finally know who is going to occupy the treasury benches in the Lok Sabha. As we hear the politicians say their all-too-familiar statements, there are some points that are clear already.

The Indian electorate has proven beyond doubt that they can't be hoodwinked by silly political rhetoric. You can fool some people some times, but you cant fool all of them all the time. They have voted for a govt. that held office for 5 years, in spite of its various mistakes. What's more, they have given the Congress an even better mandate than last time around, so that the Cong need not worry about keeping a clutch of petty-minded allies happy, just for the sake of ensuring the magic number of 273 intact.

For much the same reason, all the clowns have suffered a bad defeat. Vaiko, Ramadoss and their shouting buddies are nowhere to be seen. Laloo and Paswan's seats put together don't even come to double digits. Mayawati's dreams of riding the elephant to the Prime Minister's office will have to wait. Yesterday, I wrote about Amar Singh's statement about being political virgins. After it was clear that Congress was winning and might not need SP's support to form the government - he was brazen enough to state that SP has always stood by the Congress in difficult times. Pathetic politics. Political virgins or political beggars?

As for the other factor that occupies a large part of our lives these days – the media. I followed the prominent news channels for the day and here are some of my observations.

Times Now – Arnab Goswami kept shouting hoarse as he always does, as if this was the last day that he was ever going to appear on the TV. Maybe his channel is going to sack him tonight - then he could have an alternate profession to endorse cough syrups (he will need few bottles of those tonight.)

CNN-IBN – Only Rajdeep Sardesai can compete with Arnab when it comes to shouting. (In the shouting male anchors' category, that is. The undisputed queen of shouting is of course Barkha Dutt). When he had finished shouting his lines on CNN-IBN, he went over to the sister Hindi channel IBN 7, to shout in Hindi. All throughout, rather than report the results, he was more keen to remind the viewers that the CNN-IBN exit poll was the closest to the actual results. This was a blatant lie - because no exit poll had predicted so many seats to the UPA.

NDTV 24 x 7 – By far the most tolerable, barring Barkha Dutt. She did provide the viewers with moments of entertainment in between. Once for a few seconds, she was wildly gesticulating and contorting every muscle of her face to the camera team, without knowing that she was ON camera! Throughout the day we could hear her whispering something while others spoke. No matter what any Congress leader said (and this was much after Sonia Gandhi had declared that Manmohan Singh would be the PM) she was intent on raking up the same question - will Rahul Gandhi become the PM?

One thing common to all channels. Their computer graphic designers went completely overboard. The graphics were too much for the eyes. What the viewer wants to see is clear numbers, not maps and images flying in and out of the screen. Vikram's fascination with the large touch screen map (he said so much on the camera) was silly and a waste of time.

The few intelligent comments that I heard

Mahesh Rangarajan – The BJP is a far more organized party than the Congress. And the dismal performance of BJP indicates a far bigger internal crisis for BJP than might seem. (Mahesh appeared quite pained when he said this. I wonder if he is a BJP supporter at heart. I used to know him in school days, didn't appear then that he would go the BJP way....)

Shekhar Gupta (NDTV) – Indian voter has moved from the politics of grievance to the politics of hope and aspiration. Well said, Shekhar.

We can all get back to work now.

Indian Politics - 'Back to the future'

With so much action going on in Indian politics, a gullible Indian voter can be excused for being confused. What with politicians putting chameleons to shame by their ever-changing colours, and parties forming and breaking alliances at the drop of a hat. Why, even before we were getting some clarity about what exactly the Third Front is and who is in and out of it, there is already talk of a fourth front! Going at this rate, we could easily have the forty-third front by the time counting of votes is over. Whatever number the eventual front identifies with, the Left and Samajwadis will be in it surely. Why? Nobody else wants them in, as simple as that! Going by the Left's views on economy and the latest brilliantly retrograde manifesto of the SP, I recommend that the new coalition should be called 'Left Backs'. So here is a glimpse of the future cabinet of ministers.

Minister for Law - Pappu Kalani. He has spent such a long time in jail, doesn't he deserve a recognition for that? He has actually contested elections from inside the jail and won! Who else can claim to know our legal system better.
Minister for Road Transport - Laloo Yadav. With his new-found love for road rollers, he is clearly an easy choice for this. He will also hold the extra charge of Minister for Family Welfare. With nine children of his own, he knows what family welfare is all about.
Minister for Urban Development - Maneka Gandhi. She will reserve all open spaces in cities as sanctuaries for stray dogs. That would include roads also, of course. So no traffic, leading to no pollution, further leading to better economy, health and overall urban development.
Ministry for Wildlife - Dharmarao Baba Atram. He has got the rare distinction of being involved in a Chinkara hunting case while being Minister for Forests for Maharashtra. So we should now promote him to cabinet grade.
Minister for Industries (read Strikes) - Mamata Banerjee. This is clearly an open and shut case. Which means people can try to open industries, but she will always effectively shut them.
Minister for Home Affairs - Achutanandan. Why? Well, you see - this is a very sensitive ministry. Thus it can only be headed by the most insensitive person around.
Minister for Finance - Bangaru Laxman. Finance is all about making money. He knows it well.
Minister for Foreign Affairs - Vaiko. He has promised a bloodbath if Sri Lanka continues its campaign against LTTE. What better example of understanding of foreign affairs?
Minister for Sillycommunications - This will replace the current telecom ministry. With SP promising to take our country several decades, if not centuries back, we won't need telecom at all. The new sillycommunications portfolio will be headed by Amar Singh.
Minister for Cultural Affairs - Varun Gandhi. For his recent comments that reflect a refined cultural bent of mind.
Minister for Sports - Ambumani Ramadoss. He is so good at political gymnastics.
Minister for Rashtrabhasha development - Nafisa Ali. Main Hindi bhi bol sakti hoon!
Minister for Defense - Deve Gowda. For defending our country, we need someone who is always alert....

What about Prime Minister? I have a novel proposal for that. Mulayam Singh, Ramvilas Paswan, Mayawati, Prakash Karat, AB Bardhan, Jayalalitha, Sharad Pawar, Karunanidhi, Chandrababu, Kalyan Singh.... There are so many, isn't it? We can easily have a list of 52 such people. Then they will each take turns to be PM for a week each. Why only one week? There are 2 reasons.

1. Given the agenda of the left backs, we will not have any advanced transportation in the country. Everyone will be back to bullock-carts. So each of them will take a week to travel to his/her constituency, cut a few ribbons there, and return to New Delhi.
2. In any case, I can't see how a coalition govt formed by the 3rd, 4th (or 43rd, for that matter) front lasting more than a week even in normal circumstances. Plus, it wont put them under any undue pressure to perform. After all, many great people have been in power for five years and done nothing noteworthy. So how can we expect them to do anything in five days?

SP manifesto - retrograde motion

There was this joke - if pro is opposite to con, then is progress opposite to congress? Now with its startling manifesto, Samajwadi Party has rightfully claimed its position in the joke.
Never before have I heard of such a blinkered approach towards elections nor seen a more miscalculated attempt at acquiring the powers of governance. SP has truly redefined the meaning of RETROGRADE. What's more - it is hypocritical to the extreme. Amar Singh (one of the founders of this party) is as capitalistic as you can get anywhere in the world. No wonder then that the whole of today he has been running from pillar to post trying to explain the manifesto with equally meaningless statements. "We are not against English, we will only avoid computers where work can be done manually" etc etc. Pure drivel, nothing else.

May I remind all the ignorant leaders behind this crazy manifesto about some basic facts.

1. Two of the best acheivements of our country have been gaining higher productivity in foodgrain and milk production. In case the leaders dont understand what I mean (because it is higher level English!) I am referring to the green and the white revolution. Both of these would not have happened without the help from advancement in agricultural tools and technology.
2. The cell phones that you carry everywhere, the bullet-proof cars that drive you around, the choppers that take you from one rally to another - are all manufactured thanks to machines that have microprocessors behind them. The spotless white Khadi that you all flaunt (barring Amar Singh of course) - do you know how it gets produced and reaches from farmer to manufacturers to retail stores? Of course, how would you know all this? You are too busy grabbing votes and sqabbling amongst yourselves anyway.
3. How about the very newspaper that carried your common-sense-defying manifesto to my door today morning? It was composed and printed using those very confounded machines - COMPUTERS.
4. As for teaching English in schools, what can I say? You all don't have much right to give an opinion on English. Come on - some of you can't speak good Hindi either!

I can go and on, but that would be wasting my precious time on a mindless election ploy. The irony is - none of the SP leaders would anyway be able to read this post without the help of two things that they are against - English and Computers.
I rest my case.