Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Guide book for politicians - elementary grade

Here is an easy-to-follow, simple-to-understand guide book for politicians. It is meant for general use, but it has been primarily written to help hapless politicians during the tumultuous period of elections and their aftermath.
Who can use this guide - Any politician who is thick-skinned. Ok, ok, I KNOW that this is a tautology of sorts, but its mandatory to write this on the 1st page of the Guide.

Eligibility criteria - None.

-work required - Not even expected.

Skill level needed - Very basic mathematics. (User should be able to identify 3-digit numbers. If person can answer que like "which number is bigger, 88 or 146 ?" - then he can use this guide effectively.)
Knowledge level needed - should be able to identify whether he is in ruling party or opposition party. That's enough.

Chapter 1 - What to say before elections
20 days before
For ruling party (RP) - We will come back to power. We have served the people for 5 years and they will give us their mandate.
For opposition party (OP) - The people are frustrated with the incompetent government. We will sweep the polls this time.

10 days before
For RP - We do not wish to politicize every little matter. Our fight is ideology-based.
For OP - You will see a miracle in the polls.

3 days before
For RP - Of course, I have no ambition to become Chief Minister. The High Command will decide.
For OP - Of course, I have no ambition to become Chief Minister. But if that is the wish of people....

Chapter 2 - On election day
For RP - Say nothing
For OP- Say nothing

Chapter 3 - On counting day
At 8.30 If you are in Winning Party (WP) - I was always confident of winning. The people have appreciated our work.
If you are in Losing Party (LP) - We will get absolute majority.

At 10.30

WP - (Say anything that will upset the LP. It doesn't matter what you say!)

LP - We will surely get absolute majority. These are only early trends. We are sure to see a change in the actual results.

At noon
WP - We thank the people for their support. It is the victory of democracy.
LP - We will surely get simple majority. I don't know where you have got these number from. I am in constant touch with my sources andmy information is different.

At 2 pm

WP - No, it is not for me to say who will be the Chief Minister. The party high command will decide.

LP - We will surely be the single largest party. There are several independents and also some like-minded parties who will support us.

At 4 pm
WP - (It REALLY does not matter what you say now. People don't care!)

LP - (Hey, what the heck, people don't care what you say either!) But in case you want to hog some footage on TV during the dying minutes of the program, then you can say things like "We will introspect the reasons for this failure." Note - if you are speaking to Hindi channels, then you say Chintan-baithak!

Next day at 10 am
WP - There is no dissidence on our party. The decision about Chief Minister will be unanimous.

LP - Our vote share has increased bu 0.01 % in 3 out of 290 constituencies, and that is a positive sign. We will sit in the opposition.

Next day at 4 pm
WP - I will be going to Delhi tonight.
Next day at 4 pm
LP (See below. Caution - for advance level only)

Option 1 - If you have lost - Ruling party adopted vote bank politics. We fought for our ideology.
Option 2 - If all your candidates have lost - No. There was no in-fighting in our party.
Option 3 - If you have lost your deposit - There is a conspiracy. Some Foreign hand is involved in this. I will declare the names at a suitable time.
Option 4 - If all your candidates have lost their deposits - Electronic voting machines are known to go wrong. We will take up the matter with election commission.

I wish the readers will help me in making this Guide Book popular. Please distribute free copies to all politicians. Hope they will find it nice. Unless, the person you are dealing with is Uddhav Thackeray, that is. The least he could have done is learn something from the Late Pramod Mahajan in what he did after the 2004 poll debacle. Long before other BJP bigwigs had accepted defeat, Mahajan candidly accepted not just defeat, but also owned up his share of responsibility as in-charge of the polls by saying it was his failure, and that his India Shining campaign had backfired. What does Uddhav have to say after the resounding defeat in the recent assembly polls? "This is not a defeat for Shiv Sena, and I am not at fault."

Some people insist on not using Guide Books and attending extra classes. What to do? Maybe in 2014.....

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